Mother by Nature Blog

Heavy Breathing

October 14, 2015


Silent swift and stealth is what you have to be.

Bed time!

Say no more. The pinnacle of every parents evening. If we can just get through this last epic task we are home free…WineOclock! Sleep is such an underrated thing to those without the joys of children. Party all night and sleep all day; enjoy it while you can people.(Evil laugh) Fast forward a few years singeltons and it begins in pregnancy. You can’t sleep on your back. You must lay on your left side. Use the support of pillows. Blah blah blah. I was always so damn hot I would have to sleep near naked, giant tummy mountain blazing in full glory taking somewhat relief in the overhead fan pelting down from above. Meanwhile dear Muž would be a wearing a snow suit and 2 quilts as it was approaching the middle of winter…or sleeping on the couch. Apparently pregnant people snore too. As if…Pft.

These days it’s the routine task of getting the baby to sleep. My son is quite easy to put to bed, thank goodness, although he is so full on during the day I think we are owed an easy night shift with him. Baby Juju not so much. It is a long drawn out process that begins with her night feed, stories and kissing the bunny pictures on the wall goodnight. From there it’s into the cot, soft bunbuns at her side, lullaby music on, lights out and me awkwardly perched on a chair hunched over the cot with my hand on her back so she knows I’m still there. And then wait.  For that magic little sound.

Heavy Breathing. 

How I love that sound. That sound, my friends, indicates freedom.

But it can take awhile. God it can take forever sometimes. I can plan holidays, shopping lists, party events, house renovations and write whole novels in the time takes to get her to sleep sometimes. Except I’m sitting in the dark watching the light through the door crack and the minute hand on my watch. With a cold arm. I know that cd so bloody well now… I could almost compose the music by myself.

Every now and then I try to sneak out to see if she will notice. I even used a heavy teddy in place of my hand. She notices all right. Usually when I’m just on the other side of the door tasting the fresh air of night time tranquility followed by  an ear piercing “Wahhhhh, Mama!” Why does the babies door handle have to be the only one that squeaks in the whole freaking house when you close it?! We tried letting her cry it out for  a while…that just woke up the Fournado who’s room is right next door and you definitely don’t want THAT!

So lately we have been getting it down to 3 songs. But you still have to be smart about it: plan the escape route very well. Memorise that clear path like your GPS navigation system maps out roads. That means not booting a musical light up toy across the room and waking the little darling after all your hard work! Make sure nothing is hanging on the back of the door that will rattle when you close it, and turn on the damn monitor before you put them into bed!

So when that breathing pitch changes, listen close…wait a few more minutes to seal the deal and switch into parenting ninja mode to complete the James Bond style exit that is required to escape! Silent, Swift and Stealth.

Pop! I just heard a champagne bottle open somewhere. Ahh!

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  • Reply miilyjade October 14, 2015 at 9:07 am

    Too funny, you articulate this night time routine so well!!!
    I for one have mastered the art of ‘Silent, Swift and Stealth’.
    Brilliantly written, just live it, because its just sooo true!!!!

    • Reply Mother By Nature October 18, 2015 at 2:25 am

      Thank you Miilyjade! It’s an art all right and I bet you have it finely tuned now with all your cherubs!

  • Reply miilyjade October 14, 2015 at 9:08 am


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